What do cows, trees and humans have in common? Unfortunately, nothing at all...

Ever wondered about your ability to be fully human? Bet you’re too busy living to really think about it. But there’s something seriously wrong with this picture. We’re designed to be autonomous, creative, self-directed beings; we’re built to thrive, excel and evolve. But we’re not exactly thriving, are we? Instead, we grapple with co-dependence, neediness, fear, despair, insecurity, self-destructive behaviour... we’re dysfunctional and disempowered in almost every area of our lives.

Why is that? The problem is not with the hardware. The body is, after all, the most sophisticated, most advanced piece of kit ever developed. It’s perfection itself, like all of nature. Yet despite our eons of evolution, we've failed to fully understand or master ourselves. The rest of nature seems to have got it sussed, though. I mean, have you ever seen a tree that didn’t know how to be a tree? You never see a tree trying to be an elephant, right? Ever seen a cow that didn’t know how to be 100% cow? Nope. But try finding a human being that actually knows how to be 100% human, full time, and you might have a problem. And we think cows are stupid? At least they know how to be what they are. Plus they’re placid, non-violent, and only make a fuss when they’re slaughtered.

So the problem is not with the hardware. It’s the software that we need to address—the software that runs our minds, bodies and lives; the software that’s been corrupted, messed with, filled with nasty viral messages that spread throughout our systems and get handed down from one misguided generation to the next. It’s the programming of our formative years—all those beliefs, fears, insecurities, projections and skewed perceptions passed on by parents, teachers, religion, society... We’re told what’s possible and how the world works; we’re told what to fear and how to make ourselves acceptable. We’re taught to shelve our dreams, be sensible and hunker down for some cut-throat living.

It may look as if we have endless problems in our world. But the only real problem is our negative programming—the root of all human dysfunction and disempowerment. Without that negative distortion, everything works just as it’s meant to. Our programming is the only thing that’s flawed—the only thing in the way of our happiness and fullfilment. When we change it, everything changes. Only problem is, you won’t believe that ...because you’ve been programmed to believe that stuff just happens and you’d best just deal with it.

Take a closer look at this picture we call life and see just how far we haven’t come as a race. Notice a certain discrepancy between our original blueprint and our current behaviour? We need to start being what we’re meant to be. (Cows can do it ...but that’s an udder story). Don’t keep running the same old, primitive, fear-based software of our Neanderthal ancestors. Been there, done that sabre-toothed-tiger-chasing thing. Life’s a little different now and we need to wise up. If you’re serious about being a fully functional, superlative human being, you need to upgrade to some 21st-century software. There’s a whole world waiting and it’s an awful lot more fun when we act—and interact—like real human beings.

Find out how to transform your negative programming at www.olgasheean.com or e-mail olga@olgasheean.com for more info.

Why our hearts ache

Lewis and I have just returned from the funeral of a 21-year-old who died tragically and unexpectedly, a few days ago. He was the son of my dearest and oldest friend, here in Ireland, and his death has devastated us. At the funeral service, the minister reminded us that we rarely realize the depth of our love until the loved one is separated from us. It became clear, during the service, that many of us were also unaware of this young man’s gifts, depth and creativity. He was a talented musician; many beautiful poems and songs were discovered on his computer; he cared deeply about the environment; he was mature beyond his years, aware and sensitive to the world around him. His loss seemed all the greater as we came to know these special aspects of him only on the day of his death and only because of his death.

We all know how tragedy breaks open our hearts and prompts us to connect with others in a profoundly authentic, raw and honest way. Yet we seem to need constant reminding of this painful fact – perhaps because we don’t realize just how closed our hearts have become until they are broken open by something too awful for us to contain.

Today was a particularly devastating reminder of this for me. Having returned to Ireland after living most of my life overseas, I reconnected with friends and extended family – some of whom I hadn’t seen for 30 years. The open-armed welcomes I received were enough to get me crying all over again. While I know, in my mind, that relationships are the only truly rewarding and fulfilling things in our lives, I hope that my heart won’t forget the power of loving connectedness that I experienced today.

YOUMEUS, our social network all about relationships, now has 100 members (YOUMEUS.ning.com). We are all gifted and special in many ways, and also full of hidden talents and depth. I hope that all of you will find something touching and worthwhile in this network to inspire you in your relationships – and to remind you that there’s really nothing more important than our connections with each other. Yet we all keep parts of ourselves hidden and unexpressed. Don’t wait for something tragic to prompt you to say or do something daringly loving, and to share a deeper part of yourself. Do it today, right now, if you can.

The Power of No

[This article is one of a series by Olga. Copyright Olga Sheean © 2008]

Once upon a time there was a man called George. George liked to please others and so he said yes every time he was asked for help or money. He said yes whenever someone wanted to borrow his car, even if it meant he had to walk to work. George said yes to fast-food super-sizing, to overtime, to babysitting for friends, to abuse from his wife and to a demotion at work. He said yes to chemotherapy when he got stomach cancer and he said yes to some experimental new drugs. The only time George ever said no was when the nurse in palliative care asked him if he had enjoyed his life. George never experienced the power of no and, as a result, no one ever experienced the power of George.

‘No’ is probably the most powerful word we have in our vocabulary. Although it is often used to tell us what we cannot have, do or be, as children, it is a word that can define who we truly are. ‘No’ can be used to create a healthy boundary, to reflect a personal value, to reject a compromise, to end abuse, or to exit a situation or relationship that no longer serves us. It can represent the deepest truth, even when it seems like the hardest thing to say. Saying no can set people free, demonstrating strength and clarity of purpose. And saying no to whatever is not working for you is probably the most powerful way to start attracting what you really want. ‘No’ can cut through a multitude of excuses, justifications, defences—many of which tend to complicate our lives and get us increasingly enmeshed in unhealthy situations.

So why is it so difficult for us to use this monosyllable, even when saying yes to someone else often means saying no to a better relationship, a healthier body, and a more fulfilling life? What are we afraid of when we say no? And why should we care so much about what others think or need when they, too, are saying yes because they want to be liked, accepted or loved?

Being able to say no to others means being able to say yes to yourself, first and foremost. It requires strong self-acceptance, stemming from a deep sense of worthiness and inherent value. It involves putting your needs first in healthy ways, getting clear about what you want, and believing that you can actually have it.

Saying no can be a healthy shortcut to getting what you want, particularly in relationships that are falling short of your ideal. Yet many of us take the long way around, hedging our bets, trying not to hurt someone’s feelings, and effectively postponing our happiness by opting for “I don’t know”, “Maybe”, “Perhaps later”, “I’m not sure what I want”, “I’ll call you…” or “I need some time…”

When we vacillate in our responses (even though our heart usually knows exactly what it wants), our ambivalence generates similar dynamics in our relationships—bringing us partners who can’t commit, who don’t know what they want, or who shy away from deeper intimacy. Our failure to be up front and honest—with ourselves as much as others—is guaranteed to result in lukewarm love.

Sheryl is a perfect example of how lovelessness can result in indecision, and vice versa, creating a downward spiral of self-rejection. She grew up with an abusive father and a mother who never learned how to say no and walk away. As a result, Sheryl had low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities that caused her to hook up with unsuitable and often abusive partners. Driven by a desperate need to be loved, she was afraid to say no to what little affection she did get, in case nothing better came along. She compromised and did everything she could be make herself more lovable, even though her heart felt heavy and sad. In the process, she lost touch with her values and her dreams, and ended up attracting even more abuse. She could not see what was best for her or hear her body’s alarm bells in the form of headaches, fatigue, tension, panic attacks and anxiety. Over time, her health deteriorated and she became depressed and unmotivated, eventually going onto anti-depressants and sleeping aids in an attempt to regain balance in her life.

When our body says no and we dare to convey its message accurately with our words, we create emotional freedom—not just for ourselves but also for the person we’re addressing, who almost always needs to hear that same message. Saying no when we need to keeps us powerfully on track with what’s best for us and automatically brings us something better.

So think about the areas in your life where you’re currently avoiding saying no, and ask yourself why you’re still hovering in the stagnant gray realms of indecision. There is nearly always something we must say no to first, before we can say yes to what we really want. Make a strong choice and say no to whatever is not working for you—in your relationships, your career, your lifestyle or your dreams. Give yourself permission to go for what you want and to start living life on your terms. Doing so will not only bring you new opportunities and greater fullfilment, it will also show you just how much you’ve been compromising all along.

For more info: www.olgasheean.com olga@olgasheean.com