The Power of No

[This article is one of a series by Olga. Copyright Olga Sheean © 2008]

Once upon a time there was a man called George. George liked to please others and so he said yes every time he was asked for help or money. He said yes whenever someone wanted to borrow his car, even if it meant he had to walk to work. George said yes to fast-food super-sizing, to overtime, to babysitting for friends, to abuse from his wife and to a demotion at work. He said yes to chemotherapy when he got stomach cancer and he said yes to some experimental new drugs. The only time George ever said no was when the nurse in palliative care asked him if he had enjoyed his life. George never experienced the power of no and, as a result, no one ever experienced the power of George.

‘No’ is probably the most powerful word we have in our vocabulary. Although it is often used to tell us what we cannot have, do or be, as children, it is a word that can define who we truly are. ‘No’ can be used to create a healthy boundary, to reflect a personal value, to reject a compromise, to end abuse, or to exit a situation or relationship that no longer serves us. It can represent the deepest truth, even when it seems like the hardest thing to say. Saying no can set people free, demonstrating strength and clarity of purpose. And saying no to whatever is not working for you is probably the most powerful way to start attracting what you really want. ‘No’ can cut through a multitude of excuses, justifications, defences—many of which tend to complicate our lives and get us increasingly enmeshed in unhealthy situations.

So why is it so difficult for us to use this monosyllable, even when saying yes to someone else often means saying no to a better relationship, a healthier body, and a more fulfilling life? What are we afraid of when we say no? And why should we care so much about what others think or need when they, too, are saying yes because they want to be liked, accepted or loved?

Being able to say no to others means being able to say yes to yourself, first and foremost. It requires strong self-acceptance, stemming from a deep sense of worthiness and inherent value. It involves putting your needs first in healthy ways, getting clear about what you want, and believing that you can actually have it.

Saying no can be a healthy shortcut to getting what you want, particularly in relationships that are falling short of your ideal. Yet many of us take the long way around, hedging our bets, trying not to hurt someone’s feelings, and effectively postponing our happiness by opting for “I don’t know”, “Maybe”, “Perhaps later”, “I’m not sure what I want”, “I’ll call you…” or “I need some time…”

When we vacillate in our responses (even though our heart usually knows exactly what it wants), our ambivalence generates similar dynamics in our relationships—bringing us partners who can’t commit, who don’t know what they want, or who shy away from deeper intimacy. Our failure to be up front and honest—with ourselves as much as others—is guaranteed to result in lukewarm love.

Sheryl is a perfect example of how lovelessness can result in indecision, and vice versa, creating a downward spiral of self-rejection. She grew up with an abusive father and a mother who never learned how to say no and walk away. As a result, Sheryl had low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities that caused her to hook up with unsuitable and often abusive partners. Driven by a desperate need to be loved, she was afraid to say no to what little affection she did get, in case nothing better came along. She compromised and did everything she could be make herself more lovable, even though her heart felt heavy and sad. In the process, she lost touch with her values and her dreams, and ended up attracting even more abuse. She could not see what was best for her or hear her body’s alarm bells in the form of headaches, fatigue, tension, panic attacks and anxiety. Over time, her health deteriorated and she became depressed and unmotivated, eventually going onto anti-depressants and sleeping aids in an attempt to regain balance in her life.

When our body says no and we dare to convey its message accurately with our words, we create emotional freedom—not just for ourselves but also for the person we’re addressing, who almost always needs to hear that same message. Saying no when we need to keeps us powerfully on track with what’s best for us and automatically brings us something better.

So think about the areas in your life where you’re currently avoiding saying no, and ask yourself why you’re still hovering in the stagnant gray realms of indecision. There is nearly always something we must say no to first, before we can say yes to what we really want. Make a strong choice and say no to whatever is not working for you—in your relationships, your career, your lifestyle or your dreams. Give yourself permission to go for what you want and to start living life on your terms. Doing so will not only bring you new opportunities and greater fullfilment, it will also show you just how much you’ve been compromising all along.

For more info: www.olgasheean.com olga@olgasheean.com