Living life in limbo

[The following article was published in Health 'n' Vitality magazine, Summer 2007. Copyright Olga Sheean © 2008]

Rachel came to see me complaining of anxiety attacks, depression and insomnia. She didn’t really know what was wrong but was taking sleeping pills and anti-depressants to suppress her symptoms. Married, with two young children, she claimed that everything at home was fine, yet her symptoms indicated that she was very much off track with her life. It soon became clear that Rachel was waging an internal battle with herself: her subconscious mind was pushing her in one direction, while her conscious mind was pushing her in another. Subconsciously, Rachel had come to believe that she was not good enough or lovable enough to have the kind of life she wanted and she had given up on ever getting it. As a result, she shut down her heart and resigned herself to the routine of everyday living.

Sound familiar? If so, you are not alone. Being off track with ourselves is the most common human dilemma, and it inevitably results in symptoms designed to get our attention. When we disconnect from our selves, life no longer works. Fears, negative beliefs and insecurities cause us to lose faith in our ability to create what we want, and so we suppress our dreams, switch off our creativity and end up living in the ‘grey zone’—a state of emotional limbo that puts life on hold.

Living in the grey zone is no fun at all, yet it is where many of us live, most of the time. Here, we fail to fully embrace life, remaining, instead, on its fringes, feeling little, living little and loving even less. It is a place of limbo between life and death, yes and no, passion and numbness. When we live in the grey zone, our passion peters out. Our love goes underground, preventing ourselves and others from having it, and we effectively say “No” to receiving it. We don’t believe we deserve success, abundance or fulfillment, and we live our lives accordingly. The gray zone then becomes an area of self-fulfilling prophecy—a realm of certainties preordained by our negative expectations. We get exactly what we are afraid of getting, and then we get even more of it to confirm what we always suspected.

Rachel’s emotional numbness resulted from a lack of self-acceptance, trust, self-expression and integrity within herself—and it showed. She admitted having difficulty taking care of herself, putting herself first, expressing her feelings and asking for what she wanted. She had many sound values but was not acting upon them, which created internal conflict and a lack of integrity within herself. She made compromises that did not feel good yet she justified them in her mind even though her heart rebelled. Deep down, she was disappointed, unfulfilled and unhappy.

Rachel was suppressing many things that mattered deeply to her, cancelling out their importance because she didn’t believe she could change them. Her low self-worth was keeping her from even contemplating the possibility of happiness, promoting a cycle of self-rejection and defeat. In her interactions with others, she behaved as if she were not important, catering to other people’s needs and generally suppressing her desires and opinions. Her behaviour reinforced her subconscious belief about not being good enough, causing her to attract dynamics and situations that confirmed her seemingly inferior status.

Yet when we practise healthy self-acceptance in our everyday lives—by taking care of ourselves, making ourselves #1 in healthy ways, expressing how we feel and working through our fears and insecurities—we can literally transform our circumstances. For how we relate to ourselves internally (as a result of subconscious programming) has a direct impact on the dynamics, relationships and situations that we attract.

Expressing our feelings is part of the solution, since it is their suppression that leads to numbness and depression in the first place. When emotions are withheld, we also suffer physically. The natural flow of energy throughout the body becomes restricted, resulting in feelings of lassitude and fatigue, which perpetuate the cycle. Stemming the flow within us also stems the flow of energy in our external lives, interrupting the natural cycle of giving and receiving. We often instinctively limit or reduce our physical activity so that our emotions do not get stirred up. In doing so, we also inhibit our breathing. Shallow breaths limit our emotional and physical experience, preventing us from fully cleansing and connecting with our body and heart.

Being ourselves is crucial to living the life we are meant to live. It is only when we connect with ourselves internally that we can then connect with what’s best for us on the outside. If we are not taking care of ourselves, trusting that it’s safe to express what we feel and want, how can we create a life that’s in alignment with our values, our dreams or our purpose? How can we build a truly intimate relationship if we have not allowed ourselves to ‘show up’ in the world? When we are afraid to be ourselves, we end up being a kind of social clone.

Distorting yourself in this way ultimately takes you into the gray zone, whereas when you are being proactively, creatively yourself, you can literally make life happen in magical ways. To help Rachel reconnect with her deeper feelings and passions, I suggested she move her body aerobically whenever she felt numb. This requires conscious effort and determination, as the wounded emotional body resists being reawakened. But when it is, our creativity comes to life. Ideas come, wanting to be born. Desires re-surface, wanting fulfillment. To cultivate greater self-acceptance and an openness to good things coming her way, Rachel also had to work at being her own best friend, putting herself first in healthy ways, committing to her personal growth, taking care of her body and opening up to the possibility of having a passionate, fulfilling life. Her body, like her heart, had to be loved back to wholeness.

How much we dare to express ourselves in the world determines how healthy, successful, happy and empowered we are in our lives. No drugs can heal a stalled and heavy heart or help us to be daringly, authentically ourselves. Leaving the grey zone requires making a conscious decision to embrace life, and to allow life to fully embrace you. No one else can bring you back to life. No counsellor or psychologist can help you break free unless you first commit to being yourself. Only you have the power to say “yes” to life by loving yourself out of limbo.

Pathways to passion

• Reactivate your natural passion and creativity with dance lessons, acting classes or art therapy
• Open up your heart with music and reconnect with yourself emotionally by being in nature or meditating in a peaceful environment
• Reconnect with others and cultivate supportive new friendships by taking a personal development course or joining a social/sports club.
• Enhance your self-worth by creating healthy boundaries—saying no to any form of abuse or disrespect, asking for what you want and always doing what’s best for you.
• Commit to facing your fears, building self-acceptance and getting whatever support you need to move forward.
• Don’t forget that you are not alone. There is a powerful universal force ready to co-create with you when you choose to move forward. Ask for help, take a risk, dare to shine and get yourself noticed, and the universe will support you.

The Power of No

[This article is one of a series by Olga. Copyright Olga Sheean © 2008]

Once upon a time there was a man called George. George liked to please others and so he said yes every time he was asked for help or money. He said yes whenever someone wanted to borrow his car, even if it meant he had to walk to work. George said yes to fast-food super-sizing, to overtime, to babysitting for friends, to abuse from his wife and to a demotion at work. He said yes to chemotherapy when he got stomach cancer and he said yes to some experimental new drugs. The only time George ever said no was when the nurse in palliative care asked him if he had enjoyed his life. George never experienced the power of no and, as a result, no one ever experienced the power of George.

‘No’ is probably the most powerful word we have in our vocabulary. Although it is often used to tell us what we cannot have, do or be, as children, it is a word that can define who we truly are. ‘No’ can be used to create a healthy boundary, to reflect a personal value, to reject a compromise, to end abuse, or to exit a situation or relationship that no longer serves us. It can represent the deepest truth, even when it seems like the hardest thing to say. Saying no can set people free, demonstrating strength and clarity of purpose. And saying no to whatever is not working for you is probably the most powerful way to start attracting what you really want. ‘No’ can cut through a multitude of excuses, justifications, defences—many of which tend to complicate our lives and get us increasingly enmeshed in unhealthy situations.

So why is it so difficult for us to use this monosyllable, even when saying yes to someone else often means saying no to a better relationship, a healthier body, and a more fulfilling life? What are we afraid of when we say no? And why should we care so much about what others think or need when they, too, are saying yes because they want to be liked, accepted or loved?

Being able to say no to others means being able to say yes to yourself, first and foremost. It requires strong self-acceptance, stemming from a deep sense of worthiness and inherent value. It involves putting your needs first in healthy ways, getting clear about what you want, and believing that you can actually have it.

Saying no can be a healthy shortcut to getting what you want, particularly in relationships that are falling short of your ideal. Yet many of us take the long way around, hedging our bets, trying not to hurt someone’s feelings, and effectively postponing our happiness by opting for “I don’t know”, “Maybe”, “Perhaps later”, “I’m not sure what I want”, “I’ll call you…” or “I need some time…”

When we vacillate in our responses (even though our heart usually knows exactly what it wants), our ambivalence generates similar dynamics in our relationships—bringing us partners who can’t commit, who don’t know what they want, or who shy away from deeper intimacy. Our failure to be up front and honest—with ourselves as much as others—is guaranteed to result in lukewarm love.

Sheryl is a perfect example of how lovelessness can result in indecision, and vice versa, creating a downward spiral of self-rejection. She grew up with an abusive father and a mother who never learned how to say no and walk away. As a result, Sheryl had low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities that caused her to hook up with unsuitable and often abusive partners. Driven by a desperate need to be loved, she was afraid to say no to what little affection she did get, in case nothing better came along. She compromised and did everything she could be make herself more lovable, even though her heart felt heavy and sad. In the process, she lost touch with her values and her dreams, and ended up attracting even more abuse. She could not see what was best for her or hear her body’s alarm bells in the form of headaches, fatigue, tension, panic attacks and anxiety. Over time, her health deteriorated and she became depressed and unmotivated, eventually going onto anti-depressants and sleeping aids in an attempt to regain balance in her life.

When our body says no and we dare to convey its message accurately with our words, we create emotional freedom—not just for ourselves but also for the person we’re addressing, who almost always needs to hear that same message. Saying no when we need to keeps us powerfully on track with what’s best for us and automatically brings us something better.

So think about the areas in your life where you’re currently avoiding saying no, and ask yourself why you’re still hovering in the stagnant gray realms of indecision. There is nearly always something we must say no to first, before we can say yes to what we really want. Make a strong choice and say no to whatever is not working for you—in your relationships, your career, your lifestyle or your dreams. Give yourself permission to go for what you want and to start living life on your terms. Doing so will not only bring you new opportunities and greater fullfilment, it will also show you just how much you’ve been compromising all along.

For more info: www.olgasheean.com olga@olgasheean.com

Back to basics—digestion 101

[This is one of a series of articles by Olga; Olga Sheean ©2008]

The plethora of supplements, dietary approaches and weight-loss techniques currently on the market is enough to confuse even the most diligent and discerning health-seeker. How can we possibly know which products are best for us, how much to take, and which brands to buy? And when we are unwell, tired, stressed or otherwise below par, it can be even more difficult to know what we need and where to turn for guidance.

What’s good for one body is not necessarily good for another. We each have different nutritional and constitutional requirements, and respecting our individual needs is the key to maintaining or reclaiming our health. But one aspect that is crucial to everyone is our capacity to adequately digest, process and assimilate what we eat. If we cannot do that, it does not matter how well we eat or how many supplements we take. We will not be properly nourished—and we will be wasting our money.

Ensuring good digestion is the first step in building good health and it is often at the root of numerous health problems. There is growing evidence that degenerative diseases such as MS and arthritis, for example, are the result of chronic digestive disorders, which lead to a gradual depletion of the body over time.

Strictly speaking, digestion begins in the mouth, where our saliva initiates the process of converting starches into sugars. But the common tendency to eat too fast or not chew food properly means that this initial stage of digestion is bypassed and food reaches the stomach largely unprocessed.

Once there, stomach acids are designed to physically break down our food into a more manageable form, as well as to partially digest protein, before it moves into the small intestine. If we are stressed, rushed, tense or lacking in certain basic nutrients (such as the B vitamins, for example), our stomach acid will be greatly reduced and our food will not be properly broken down. This can lead to feelings of fullness and bloating, often accompanied by the gas that forms when our food starts to putrefy.

When food passes into the small intestines, it is further processed and assimilated with the help of pancreatic enzymes (necessary for the breakdown of proteins, fats and carbohydrates). A shortage of these enzymes (resulting from long-term stress, inadequate nutrition or vitamin/mineral deficiencies) results in much of our food passing through to the large intestine without being fully assimilated.

A great deal of energy is required for us to digest our food, yet the energy generated by the food we eat is often disproportionately low if our digestive systems are not operating properly. If this continues over time, it is easy to see how the body’s various organs and systems can weaken or become stressed from inadequate nutrition.

If your digestion is impaired, there are some simple steps you can take to get back on track and ensure that you are making the most of the food—and supplements—that you eat:

1. Try to relax when you eat. Take your time, sit quietly (if possible), and chew your food until it is almost liquid in your mouth.
2. Make sure you are eating enough protein. If you are a vegetarian, be sure that this is the best option for you as some people require animal protein, even though they may wish to avoid meat for ethical reasons. Try to eat fish and eggs, at least. Complete protein is essential for rebuilding every cell in the body and many other vital functions (such as the production of antibodies, hormones and enzymes). Not all vegetable sources are complete proteins so it is important to get this right. If, after taking the steps recommended here, you are still not getting the energy you need from your diet, then animal protein may well be the missing factor. However, if meat is not an option, try hempseed protein powder, which is the most complete and useable vegetable protein. (Although soybeans are said to contain more protein, much of it is unusable by the human body.)
3. Take 1-3 capsules of hydrochloric acid with your meals to help you break down your food—proteins, in particular. If you experience any bloating or gas after eating, hydrochloric acid should help. Start with one capsule and then go to two if there is no improvement. Three may be required with a large meal, such as dinner.
4. You may also require pancreatic enzymes—again for protein digestion, in particular, but also for fats and carbohydrates. Protein is the most difficult food group to digest (as those of you who eat beans probably know).

Several other important substances can make a significant difference to your digestion and overall health:

- Essential fatty acids (as found in flaxseed oil and fish oils such as salmon) are required for many bodily functions. They also help reduce blood pressure, lower cholesterol and reduce the risks of heart disease and stroke.

- Calcium and magnesium are required for cardiovascular health, and calcium and phosphorus work together for healthy bones and teeth. According to Earl Mindell, author of The Vitamin Bible, calcium and iron are the two minerals most deficient in a woman’s diet. Calcium/ magnesium supplements should be in a form that the body can absorb (such as citrates), ideally with vitamin D, hydrochloric acid and phosphorus for maximum assimilation). Iron is required for the proper metabolisation of B vitamins. It also prevents fatigue, cures/prevents iron-deficiency anemia and brings back good skin tone. According to Mindell, only about 8% of your iron intake is absorbed. As a supplement, it should be taken in a non-constipating, easily-absorbed form, such as ferrous fumarate.

- Friendly flora (probiotics) support colon health and perform many important functions, such as modifying bile acids (which affects digestion), cholesterol and hormones, and metabolizing and synthesizing vitamins (including vitamins K and B-12, and biotin). A deficiency in these friendly bacteria is common and can lead to an overgrowth of yeast, causing poor digestion, fatigue, bloating, gas, poor elimination, mood swings, sugar and carbohydrate cravings, brain fog, vaginal infections, skin rashes, lowered immunity, cold hands or feet and many other symptoms. Apple cider vinegar (best taken in capsule form) also helps kill off yeast/fungus and supports healthy digestion.

In their quest for a slimmer body, many people make the mistake of drastically reducing their carbohydrate intake or eliminating carbohydrates altogether. This means that the body loses its primary source of fuel, required for the brain and active muscles. The body must then resort to using proteins (withdrawing them from other vital functions) to get the fuel it needs. But carbohydrates are not just important for energy production. They also promote healthy gut function, particularly when high in fibre, and can help to control body weight when combined with exercise. Limiting your intake of refined carbohydrates and sugars is a healthy option, but consuming 50-100g of complex carbohydrates daily (together with adequate protein and other essential nutrients) is recommended for a strong mind and body.

Olga Sheean is a biokinesiologist specializing in holistic health, using her unique ‘Inside Out’ approach. She is also a relationship coach and the author of Fit for Love—find your self and your perfect mate. www.olgasheean.com olga@olgasheean.com.